|
| Thinkthink thinkTHINKTHINKthiNKTHINkkinktinkhinkthinktinktinkthinkthinkthankthonkTHIAnk
I wonder if men constantly think as often as women do. And I don't mean thinking just to think, I mean really think, I know men certainly don't worry as often as women do. Not that I worry nearly as often as I obviously should. I'm considering making that a topic of a book. A work of fiction, of course fiction depicts events from all sorts of reality so can you really call it fiction, fiction is merely the gathered secrets of all reality masked in fake names and metaphorical value.
As I was saying, the setting a woman, a woman just lying in a bed, in the same room as her spouse or boyfriend or significant other, I haven't decided yet, but, a woman just lying there thinking, thinking and thinking and thinking about nothing and everything, angry feelings and happy feeling and no feelings and her day, days to come, days of her past, days that will never exist, secrets, lies, truths, plans. Everything, everythiNK. A woman just sitting and staring and thinking.
wishing.
hating.
loving.
learning.
hoping.
worrying.
procrastinating.
drowning herself in her own mind.
Three separate occasions of this, of this women, laying. Sitting, whatever. This woman and her thoughts.Someone tells me I can't write pages upon pages of this then I would call them a man.
We never stop thinking.
That's where men get off easy, they never think Not NEVER think, of course, I mean, men aren't fucking vegetables or something.
I'm just saying. I'm not writing this out of anger or resentment, it's just a fact I have come to on my own. Not a problem, just a fact that everyone has to deal with. I really admire men with their overabundance of emotional stability.
It's awesome, I'm not necessarily, what's the word.. I'm not necessarily a nutcase or anything, well not officially, I think, everyone that knows me knows I'm a little bit unhinged, a little bit crazy.
Impulsive, wild, and free.
Unfiltered.
Not normal to say the least.
I try to act and think like boy as much as possible but sometimes nature just gets in the way and I just go crazy in my mind, I go up and down left and right, considering every possible conclusion to every possible problem.
Sometimes I wonder:
If I stop being crazy, will I still be loved.
If I stop being beautiful, will I still be loved.
If I stop being unpredictable will I still be loved.
If I stop being intelligent, will I still be loved.
If I stop slipping further away from you, will I still be loved.
If I stop being here, will I still be loved.
If I stop being mysterious, will I still be loved.
If I stop being kind, will I still be loved.
If I stop listening will I still be loved.
If I just stop, will I still be loved.
If no one ever disappointed you, will I still be loved.
And these aren't intended for any one specific person.
These are for anyone.
And they aren't really questions because I seem to already have the answer.
Of course not, because if none of these things came into play,
what would there be to love.
sometimes I wish everything could just be stripped,
sometimes I wonder if even one of those things were to be taken away, what would happen, who would still be here.
And sometimes I wonder if some of those things were already taken away which would account for those I no longer have.
And sometimes I wonder if any of those things really even matter and it's just fate.
I have a problem.
I have lots of problems, but, there seems to be this one constant problem.
There's always someone that you can't seem to forget, but, it never seems to be me.
| | |
|
I feel like I should start writing in this as often as I used to. I need to keep this brain fueled and these fingers running.
Quite on the set (I love to hear you die inside) Im the light showing every ugly detail; Your the slut that paid rent with favors. Im the camera that bore witness; your the whore that fucks for the fitness. Im the action you swore you never wanted; You're the one who'll always be haunted.
Notice he spelled quiet wrong. He didn't use apostrophes. You're not your.
Constantly correcting the ridiculous things that he writes about me should make me feel less offended. Less ashamed.Less whatever the word may be to describe how I always mother fucking react to this same bullshit I get from him over and over and over and over and FUCKING OVER AGAIN.
Steve says that this was not written about me. I would like to know who else he would be writing about. I really would love for this to be a fact.
I've decided to let him go. If he can't make up his mind on whether or not he still wants to be friends then I'll make it up for him.
It's not going to happen.
All I ever want to do is make everyone happy at the same time.
It's not going to happen.
All I want to be is everything you ever wanted.
It's not going to happen.
All I ever wanted to find is someone who loves me unconditionally, I thought I did,
and it didn't happen.
Or maybe it did, and I can't handle someone loving me that much,
tell me how that happens.
All I have now is someone who loves me even more unconditionally, if that is even possible.
How did that happen?
All I ever do is deny the love I always wanted to receive.
That's not how it's supposed to happen.
All I ever do is deny reality until it slaps me in the face.
That's what happens.
All I want now is for everything that seems to be going wrong.. all I want is to just wake up and for it all to have just fallen in it's place.
That's not what happens.
For the first time I can't make any decisions for myself.
And I don't know how that happened.
I really wish I wasn't crazy. For your sake.
Somehow, I don't think that can happen.
We're going to the park later. Maybe being around the nature will clear some things up.
This has to happen.
I'm really sorry I haven't been as happy as I usually am.
This just happens sometimes.
It's really not fair to you, though.
| | |
| I am in a point in my life where I can either make me, or break me. I have not started school yet, I intend to, and yet I do not want to. I feel like starting school will trap me in the conservative idea of the American Dream, and I have always been the one too make my own dream.
I seem to ease through my life with a sense of early accomplishment, I seem to know so much, but, learn more everyday.
The world we live in today today is slowly yet surely breaking down and apart, right before our very own eyes, as sad as that sounds, it's very true.
And ever since I was very young I convinced myself that there has to be some sort of difference that I can make in this world, whether it be through art, love, medicine or beyond, there must be SOMETHING I can do, something that can show people that even though there is so much shit in this world, they can still experience something beautiful. Something has to make them aware that this was not all for nothing.
That is the difference that I wanted and HAVE to make in this lifetime.
sometimes I wonder if life should be taken this seriously.
Maybe I should take it as freely and non-seriously as I have been these past few months. Maybe we're just supposed to live our lives for ourselves and our own happiness, and not even care about the difference we may make in other people's lives, maybe we're just supposed to explore on our own. Maybe it doesn't even matter what type of a difference we make on other people's lives.
Ancient Egyptians believed that to get into heaven, the Gods would ask you two questions, and depending on your answer, you would get into heaven:
NUMBER ONE: in your life, have you experienced joy?
NUMBER TWO: in your life, have you caused others to experience joy?
I've done and experienced many things in my short years lived, but, I think I could make it into Egyptian Heaven, despite all the mortal sins I have committed.
| | |
| Everything
You got to hold on to
Everything
You relied on to be there is completely fucked
There's a skeleton of loyalty hanging in the gallows of your heart
(no one wins this one)
And where are your friends?
Please help me through these years ahead.
Are we just drinking buddies
Playing with each other's deepest vulnerability?
That this is all we know?
So this is how it's gonna stay? Turns out I only update this thing whenever something happens with him. He's still the only person that really has that kind of effect on me. Other than my mother and grandmother, but, even they don't really get to me anymore. Narcissistic whore. I think that is the cruelest name anyone has ever called me. And it came from the boy who said he'd love me forever no matter what I did. I feel so.. betrayed, in a sense, I mean, even 6 months ago I would have never guessed that Dan would end up with Sara and Sara was a main factor in his growing hatred of me. Why I trust people so much, STILL, I really couldn't tell you. I mean knowing that a majority of the time I cant even trust my immediate family should have proven to me that I should not trust a majority of the people that I meet. But, I do. I always do. I always think that people will give give me what I give them in return.
I think I
Would rather
Remember how it was and go our separate ways.
I don't feel anything
Unless we are living and dying for each other
Every second of our lives.
Everything
You thought that it would be,
Everything
You thought you were living for is completely fucked.
This is no place to be.
If we don't get out of here right now,
We're just gonna end up drunk, fucking,
and fighting and working machines.
Honestly, I'm the happiest I've been in a long, long time. I feel like I'm finally myself again. I feel like I'm defining myself. Dan's sadness always affected me so much, obviously, look at me type away on his account. I feel horrible that he's not doing well. That he's still broken up about this. And, I'm happy. I'm really, truly happy. Which, I should not feel bad about, but, I do. Everytime I think about him the strings at my heart pull, and, I've been dreaming about him more than ever. And even though every dream seems to be a reminder of what an asshole he could be, I wake up thinking, but, he doesn't deserve to feel like this. Above all, I never wanted him to regret being with me. I never wanted to really hurt him. But, I did. If I have another cigarette,
If I drink another beer,
Sit quiet another time when I should've said
"Oh, this is too much.
There are things I never wanted to be."
This ship has sprung a leak
And I'll be damned if I'm going down with it.
Still breathing at any cost. Narcissistic whore. What the hell, maybe it's true. Maybe all this impulsiveness and care free living is my self destructive path to hurt those around me just enough to let them say when to say when. I keep telling myself that this is all for the best. I think it is. For me. Maybe it wasn't for him, but, it is for me. Am I narcissistic because I'm finally concerninng myself with my happiness for once? 98% of our relationship it was ALWAYS about him. What would he want, what would he think, what will he do. I was so scared to do what I wanted because he was constantly giving me ultimatums and threatening our relationship if something wasn't going his way. So why should I feel so horrible now, why do I feel so bad about him when I am genuinely happy with a really great guy, and especially after I thought I could never find anyone better than him, and to see that this relationship is potentially better, why the fuck does he have this effect on me. One paragraph and he has me running through my brain all day wondering about how I oculd possibly make this better for him. Why can't it just be about me for once. Why am I a narcissistic whore for learning about what I want? Why do I even care what he thinks at this point? Of course he's going to be angry, pissed, bitter, spiteful, all of the above for bad break up symptoms. Why can't I just let this one go? I don't want to love him anymore. But, perhaps this is the case. Or maybe I just never wanted him to stop loving me. | | |
| It was time to let him go. I couldn't devote my life to someone who wants a completely different life than I do. I feel horrible, but, at the same time,I feel like I can finally find out what I really want for myself, and not what I would like to do for someone else. I know I'll be judged a lot for some time now, but, it's okay, because I really do feel it's for the best. For both of us. He can find his girl now. And, I can finally find whatever I've been trying to find for these past short years lived. | | |
|
|
